In the course of this episode, I scrolled through four hours of Twitter, followed thirty people on Instagram (most of them drag queens), deleted about a hundred unread emails (most of them from drag queens asking to borrow wigs), and played three games of Freecell. So, in one way, this episode was a valuable use of my time. In the way that matters, this episode was thirty-nine minutes of filler briefly interrupted by three minutes of marginally interesting relationship dramz.
It's actually quite impressive how an episode featuring two photoshoots and the return of the eliminated models manages to be so dull. Whether they're lounging around in the house, getting made up, or actually posing in a shoot, the final four models spend most of their time reminding us of their backstories, as if they haven't been doing that ad nauseam all season. Actually, "backstory" is being generous. Each model really only has one back-fact. Lacey used to be thirty pounds heavier; Nyle is deaf; Mikey comes from a family of convenience-store burglars and pirates; Mamé is a diplomat's daughter. The show seems to actively fight against the models doing or saying anything that might distract the audience from their established personas.
Photoshoot #1 is the Nylon spread and finds the models "breaking into a high school" (read: hanging out around a community pool that probably doesn't even belong to a high school). Shoot #2 is the Zappos Couture shoot which takes place in a Bates-ish Motel for reasons that go unexplained. The only interesting aspect of either of these shoots in Melissa Costa, the Zappos lady who can't stop saying "brand." She explains how the models should approach the shoot thusly: "You're innocent, but then you're chic and sexy and a little edgy too." WHAT A BRAND! If Nyle's interpreter didn't know the sign for "chic" before he signed up for this gig, he sure as shit does now.
I couldn't even tell you how well they did in the photoshoots because we don't see the end results and Yu Tsai spends both shoots shouting "YAAASSSSS!" and "GORGEOUS!" I always miss Mr. Jay, but especially this week. It's not like Jay even provided particularly fascinating advice, but at least he spoke about angles and communicated in a clear way what the models were doing incorrectly. Yu's advice is limited to "stop posing" and "be less/more sexy" and "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT YOU DUMB COWS YOU'RE MAKING MY EYES HURT!!!"
The aforementioned three minutes of intrigue aren't even that intriguing, if I'm being honest. Mikey and Mamé's make out sesh from two weeks ago -- which is, to my mild amusement, referred to more than once as "the cabin incident" -- pays dividends this week with the return of Justin, Devin, and the other models for the finale runway (which, from the looks of the previews for next week, is gonna be hella stupid and involve everyone pretending to play violins). Knowing that Top Model has brought back the losers for the finale in recent seasons, the final four spend whatever time they're not using to discuss how skinny/deaf/poor/diplomatic they are contemplating whether Devin spilled the beans to Justin about the cabin incident. If there's one thing Devin loves more than talking about the six modeling agencies he's signed with, it's gossiping about straight couples. So, yeah, Devin told Justin. (He also told Ashley, Mikey's squeeze for half the season, but Ashley is cool and could give two fucks.)
Everyone's anxiety over how Justin will react turns out to be much ado about nothing when he and Mamé finally have their face-to-face reunion. Justin is a chill dude, so his anger about the situation manifests itself in even-tempered, rhetorical questions: "Do I see myself with you? Yeah. Do I want to be? Yeah. But can I allow myself?" ...Yeah? No? WE'LL NEVER KNOW!!! Actually, based on my top-notch research skills, they are not currently together. But here's a recent pic from Justin's Twitter page that suggests he might have upgraded:
@Seoulful_J
Couldn't this episode just have been a slideshow of Justin and Nyle rubbing their pecs together?
With no one eliminated for the second week in a row (and their goddamn "brand presentations" not taking place until next week), I don't have a lot to go on for the rankings, but here's a brief overview of where the final four stand going into next week's final finale.
- Mamé
Five percent chance of beating out Lacey for the girl's spot, and zero percent chance of beating either of the dudes. Top Model doesn't exactly shame her for her cheating ways, but there's no way they're allowing a fallen woman to beat Miss Dixie Virgin. - Mikey
In the Zappos shoot, Mikey gets to wear some stylish suits and play full-on L.A. douchebag, which is his strength. Too bad for him the Nylon shoot is pool-adjacent, which means he has to compete against Nyle's torso. Nyle's torso could win this show on its own, and probably a host of other reality shows that have nothing to do with modeling. Nyle's torso could probably make an excellent soufflé on Top Chef. - Lacey
Lacey spends all her confessional time reflecting on her "journey" while Mamé is left to worry about Justin. But, more importantly, Lacey finds a dog wandering around the pool area and uses it to distract the photographer from taking pictures of Mamé. I can't believe this show has been on for thirteen years and no one has tried to steal attention from another model with a cute animal before. - Nyle
I'm 99% sure Nyle is going to be crowned the winner next week, but in the meantime, he still has to deal with a bunch of assholes. This week's doofus is Nylon photographer "The Cobrasnake" who tells Nyle to stop looking at his interpreter when he's speaking to Nyle. I imagine even Yu, who regularly yells at Nyle like he's a senile grandparent, had to be like, "You know how deafness works, right?" Anyway, here's another picture of Nyle's torso:![Erik Asla / Pottle Productions Inc.]()
Erik Asla / Pottle Productions Inc.
Look on Nyle's abs, ye Mikey, and despair!
